It has now been almost 4 years since I pulled out of my parent's driveway in IN and made the cross country trek to CA where I was due to start my new job as a teacher in a small private school in the heart of Silicon Valley. I had accepted the position assuming that it was going to be a 2 year commitment and then I would surely be on my way back to IN where everyone I knew and loved was. Little did I know the amazing plans (and man) the Lord had awaiting me in CA.
It wasn't 6 months into living here in CA that I was set up on a blind date with the most amazing man I had (and still have) ever met. To say I fell head over heels would be an understatement! I had finally met the man that the Lord had created as a perfect gift for me! Fast-forward another year and a half and I was now almost 2 years into living in CA and not looking to leave anytime soon, in fact just the opposite, I was now engaged to that amazing man I previously mentioned and planning a beach wedding right here in CA.
Now if we fast-forward another 2 years, you will find me right where I am today, married to the love of my life, about to celebrate our 2nd anniversary as man and wife, and grafted into an extended family both by marriage and by the blood of Christ. And while my husband and I are both open to the Lord calling us wherever it would be that He would have us serve, it would seem, for the time being, that He has called us to serve here to the people in the Silicon Valley of CA. That all being said, while I call Cupertino, CA my home I believe that a part of me will always consider myself to be a Hoosier at heart and consider IN to be my Home.
Well this past weekend my husband and I were blessed to be asked to fly back to IN and be a part of my brother's wedding. I was going to go HOME!!! even if it was only for a trip, on the days leading up to our trip I found myself getting so excited at the thought of "Going Home" and was flooded with memories of IN, which made me all the more excited to go back and see everyone and everything! It also made me I realize that due to scheduling and finances that I had not been back to IN or seen my family in over a year and a half!! (I know I am horrible daughter and friend) :)
What I found to my surprise when we landed in IN however was a world that has changed in the past 4 years just as much as I had! The place that in my heart I still considered to be home, was not the place I had been remembering. I think somehow in my mind that even though I had moved and experienced a world of changes, everyone and everything in IN was supposed to be exactly as I had left it 4 years before. Kind of like I had pressed a pause button when I left and should just be able to push the play button when I returned. Which is so not the case!
(it is also really selfish of me if I stop and analyze it, but that is not what this entry is about, perhaps another one later on)
So this past weekend in IN I found myself almost on the outside looking in as I realized that life in IN had gone on without me! That my family and friends have continued to live their lives and build towards the future without me. All weekend I was mentioned as the "other sister" or the "daughter who lives in CA". Some of the people didn't even realize that my brother had another sister, they thought our sister Emily was his only sister!
Now I have to be honest with you, at first I was very upset, (read as I wanted to cry a lot) until I remembered that "Oh yeah life ISN'T all about me!" ha-ha I mean really, how sad would it have been if when I went back to IN to visit, everyone had put their life on hold for me to return! That realization helped a bit but I was still struggling to figure out how I fit into this new version of home.
So this got me thinking a lot about the word home and what is really means. I even looked it up in the dictionary but was overwhelmed since it is a word that can be considered a noun, a verb, an adverb, and well quite frankly that is when I stopped scrolling down! So if we don't look at the meaning of the word how about the different saying about home. "Home is where the heart is", "Home sweet home.", "Home away from home", "mi casa es su casa", and so on the list goes... Again I found myself overwhelmed! (seeing a trend??)
So I decided to just look at what I know and here it is:
1. My real home is not here on earth but in heaven (and I can't wait for that homecoming!!!!)
2. My family and friends love me no matter where I live
3. Life will continue to move on even if I am not there
4. I adore my husband and the life we are building together
5. Even though I live a million miles away and now have a different last name, I will always be a part of the Duncan family and home.
6. I need to make more of an effort to keep up with people and visit more often so that when I do go home it will not be a shocker!
Now I wish I could say that writing this has helped me process everything and that I now totally understand what my role is when I go back home but to be honest it hasn't I am still confused and a little sad to realize that life is changing in ways that I had not expected or planned for. But I guess this is just a part of growing up. I am not the first person to ever feel this way and I will not be the last.
Yosemite Falls
Light Pole across the street
My Lola Love
Lake Tahoe
Rose at FILOLI
Chick and Hen at FILOLI
